The Stone of Lavitaes ... not sure about the name (kinda cheesy)
Chapter I
Lakki ran.
She ran faster than she ever had before. The wind whipped past her ears, blowing her chestnut brown hair into her face. The lizard that Lakki had found starving in the gutter when she was young scurried out of her shabby clothes and onto her shoulder. Her green tinged skin that showed she was an elf shone in the fading light of the afternoon. She risked a quick glance behind her, nothing. Lakki sighed in relief and collapsed at the bottom of an ancient tree. I’m safe here, she thought, they’ve stoped chasing me. But she knew that they would not stop until she was out of Anorayah, out of her home. In Anorayah, because food was so scarce, for even stealing a mere loaf of bread the penalty was death. Lakki had stolen something far more precious. The lizard looked at her strangely and made a small nose that sounded like a cheep before scampering back into her tattered shirt. Lakki raised her head, her elf ears catching a slight murmur of voices on the wind.
Fear shot through her, if they catch me now I’m done for.
Years of practise told her what to do. Lakki nimbly leapt up the tree, just like her mother had taught her when she was young. Her mother had taught her everything she knew, from how to climb a tree to how to wield a knife. “Mam” Lakie whispered silently. She pushed her mother out of her mind and began to climb skilfully up the tree. She glanced swiftly below her. Two men were standing there, whispering softly to each other. Thoughts rushed through Lakki’s mind: She had the element of surprise, and after all, there were only two of them, and she did have her old carving knife. But one of them had a crossbow, the other a long sabre.
Instead of leaping from the tree and onto their backs, as she would have liked to, she stayed put and listened: “Where is she?” The first man said, his tunic of light brown with a shirt of chain mail over the top told her that he was a guard of the temple of Lavitaes. He was not quite directly below her so she could make out some of his features: his hair that was cropped short around his scalp was a dark brownish colour, he had blue eyes, bright and lively, though his nose was his most distinguishing feature. It was incredibly long; you could probably slice bread with it. Again she noticed the heavy looking crossbow slung over his back. “Dunno,” the other man replied. His fair hair flapped wildly over his eyes, which were bright green. This man also wore the light brown tunic of the temple of Lavitaes’s guards.
“Well, we better start finding her or else it’s the stocks for us”, said the man with the long nose grumpily. The fair headed man grumbled and started to search in the bushes. “I don’t see the point really,” He said, “she’s probably miles from ‘ere by now!”
“Listen,” said Long-Nose, “she stole The Stone of Lavitaes from the holy temples of Anorayah, and we’ll search all the lands of Ariminthia to find her!”
Fear thudded through Lakki’s heart.
If they took a single glance upwards they would see a young thirteen-year-old girl, her blue green eyes alight with fear.
***
Keep in mind that I'm only 11.
(I have written more but I'm still working on it)
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Teehee. I do that all the time...
How embarrissing. It should be 'Lakki whispered'
HAHAHAHA!
Can't wait to read more of it!!!!!
Honestly, I find you people amusing.
'Fear shot through her, if they catch me now I’m done for.'
Fear, fear fear. Funny word...and a good one too...but you use it far too much.
*oh, and a little side note, i didn't read all of Elore's critique...so...I may be being redundant*
'The lizard looked at her strangely and made a small nose that sounded like a cheep before scampering back into her tattered shirt.'
This sentence has two things wrong with it.
a) Strange lizards that like to stare at people are apparently falling from the sky, out of nowhere. (And they're crawling up your shirt! AHHH!)
b) If you just say 'cheep', we already kind of get the picture that it's a sound...one of those funny otomatopeoia thingys...teehee. Unless, it's the special, mystical cheep. 0_0. Then, describe it a bit better.
'Years of practise told her what to do.'
She's practiced stealing things and running away from the mystical 'they'? Woooooowwww. Bad girl! Bad!
'Her mother had taught her everything she knew, from how to climb a tree to how to wield a knife.'
Oooh, cool mom. My mom doesn't trust me around knives.
'“Mam” Lakie whispered silently.'
OOOOOOOhhhh. She got skills, dude! She can whisper silently...
'She had the element of surprise,'
Wow. She's got surprise, too? Talented, i tell ye...
'It was incredibly long; you could probably slice bread with it.'
LOL!!! Good stuff.
'This man also wore the light brown tunic of the temple of Lavitaes’s guards.'
WEEEOPPPP! WEEEEOP! Redundancy alert! Get rid of this sentence...or change it. 'This man also wore the brown that distinguished him as a guard'. 'Temple of Lavitaes's' is quite a long title, and not one you should use often.
'Fear thudded through Lakki’s heart.'
Honestly, you've got lizards falling from the sky and a girl who can whisper silently, you think you could avoid a cliche, no?
'If they took a single glance upwards they would see a young thirteen-year-old girl, her blue green eyes alight with fear.'
Aside from the fear thing, I thought she was a pro, and had the element of surprise? You didn't say she was so vulnerable before...
Overall, I thought it was a pretty good piece- and an even better idea.
11-YEAR-OLDS ROCK!!!!!!
Well, I'm impressed. I couldn't write like you when I was eleven. El pretty much pointed all the grammatical/rephrasing things, so the only suggestion I can offer is to split it up into more paragraphs. I have a reeeally hard time reading just one big block. But other than that, fab-oo-lus.
No, i dont think i have met a Sam on here yet
Have you met Sam yet???? I have. Shes 11. And El say shes better than her.
I know you didn't mean any offence Fool. And thanks Reichieru, I'll try to not use 'she' as much. (or 'Lakki')
I think a better way of putting "good for your age" would be to say that this is definitely above average for one in her age group. Personally, I try not to pay attention to the author's age.
This is a good start. It's the kind of story that works really well by dropping us right into the action the way you did. I got a good image of who the characters were, and what was happening.
Apart from the points Eloere brought up, I can see little that needs to be improved upon. There were a few times where you probably should have used the character's name rather than "she" and vice versa, and the sentence-structure could use some work to sound more pleasing to the ear. One rule to consider is that you should say as much as you can in as few words as possible.
Good work.
I did not honestly mean to be patronising, i did think it was very good and i said i dont think its bad for an 11 year old because i dont know any other 11 year olds that can write like that. There was no offence intended.
Yes, actually I do take offence from that. It's like your saying That its no good but i guess your 11 ...
cept I know thats not what you were saying, you ment it as a compliment. So don't be sad.
*glares* Don't hurt my sister's feelings. She took offence at that patronising "considering you're eleven". That makes it sould like it's complete crap, but could be counted as OK for her age. I don't mind you not thinking it's any good, and critiquing honestly, that's your opinion and you're entitled to it, but please don't patronise.
Never thought myself the sort of person to rush to a siblings deffence until now ...
I have to say, It's brillent for an 11 year old! a few things to fix up in there that El has so kindly pointed out, but i have to say that you spell better-er than me :p
~Morgaine
I think you said all I was going to point out, so im not going to say it all again, but its a good start honestly, a few typos, could do with some more paragraphs but its not bad, considering your 11
Sister dearest, I have been awaiting this moment for a long time.
*grins evily*
Nice start, well, I think so anyway.
He he he. Well done, you're showing!!!
A spot of word reorganising would be good here. example:
Her green tinged, elven skin shone in the afternoon light
Something like that. "Her green tinged skin that showed she was an elf" is too ... wordy. And "fading light of the afternoon" just sounds better "afternoon light" it's just simpler that way.
More phrasing.
In Anorayah food was so scarce the penalty for stealing even a loaf of bread was death
Doesn't that sound better?
Maybe instead of saying "sounded like a cheep" you could just say it "cheeped"
And you misspelled "noise"
Doesn't matter what time they catch her, she's still just as done for. Might want to say if they "see" me now I'm done for ...
I think it's practice with a c for practicing something ... not sure. Mental blank.
Hmmmmm ... maybe say She had the element of surprise, and her old carving knife. After all, there were only two of them ... maybe not the dot dot dots. Your choice.
New line for a new speaker, come on, you know that (and I KNOW you do, because we helped each other do some critiquing yesterday) Also hmmm ... bit more rephrasing might be necessary in places. (just ideas, mind)
"Where is she?" The first man said, his light brown tunic covered by a chain-mail shirt told her he was a guard of the temple of Lavitaes
His dark brown hair was cropped short to scalp and his eyes were blue, bright and lively. Although his nose was his most distinguishing feature ... actually, I had trouble with that one.
You put the comma on the wrong side of the speach marks there, TYPO!!! Also, new line for a new speaker (You know that, stop being lazy). And personally I wouldn't put and exclamation mark there ... up to you though.
Maybe "we HAVE to search all the lands ..." instead ... that makes it sound like he wants to search all the lands, and I doubt he would.
Maybe just skip the "her" before "blue green" (which should be "blue-green" anyway). I think it sounds better without it. And yes, alight is a nice word.
You know it's good, you just want me to tell you. I know critisim's easier to take then compliments, but if a million people came and just said "It's great!!! Can't wait to read more!!!" you won't learn anything new. This way you learn things, and you have someone to say "Can't do that can I? Just watch me!" to as well, which really helps with motivation.
So *smiles sweetly* no happy-daisy post from me!!!
But if you must know I had to search pretty hard for those mistakes, don't get big-headed, or I'll have to be extra nasty next time.